Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Why Patrick Dempsey will forever suck.

-His hair.

-His name.

-His nose.

-His wife.

-His smile.

-His past screen credits.

-His current screen credits.

Other words rapper Fabolous misspells.







Cool shit to do with remote-controlled Lincoln Navigator that has working lights, spinning rims and working mp3 audio system.

-Unleash the remote-controlled asshole in you.

-Tell everyone you’re under-compensating.

-Claim to have been officially pimped by Xzibit, who is much smaller in person.

-Say you car-jacked a 12-year old in broad daylight.

-Explain to friends that your ride ain’t small, it’s just their asses are wide.

-Blast white man’s music to be ironic.

-Upload an mp3 of you asking for car directions.

-Boast about having the first electric SUV that isn’t gay.

-Bring car to Lincoln dealer and say, “What the fuck?! I drove through a car wash and look what happened! Hemi, my ass! I want my fucking money back!”

-Call AAA and tell them you’ve got a little flat.

Signs the guy next to me on the subway last night was fucked in the head.

-Voraciously reading yellowed sci-fi paperback titled, Blood and Honor by Simon R. Green.

-Wearing beige London Fog barncoat browning at cuffs with dirt.

-Long red and yellow knit scarf wrapped around his neck like Griffendor’s retard DMV instructor.

-Unwashed matted hair that made him look like The Biggest, Dirtiest Loser.

-A smell of equal parts moth balls, cat piss, the elderly, the homeless, death, schmegma, closetful of used tampons and tissue balls of year-old semen.

-Took the subway.

-Sported sensible frames from Pearle Vision’s Serial Killer Collection.

-Finished retard sci-fi book, and within minutes, began reading another titled, Another Moon by Patricia Briggs.

BONUS: Random half sentences that came to me as I watched this sap:

-Pages so yellow with defeat, with abuse, with the stink of mangy hands…

-Golden with earwax, wrinkles carbon-dating a long-lost snot held between chapter title and word one.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Chinese Democracy?

I heard the new, long-awaited Guns & Roses disc would be coming out soon.

Which pissed me off.

I thought it'd be funny as shit if it came out when China had indeed become a democracy.

Say 2023, at which point crazy-old-man Axl would be like, FUCK, and destroy the masters and start all over.


Failed Jay-Z and Beyonce Couple Names as Written by Dipshit Publicists.





George-Z Jefferson & Weavey.

Amos & Andy.

Kingdom Dumb.

The Black (Insert Better White Celeb Couple Mashup Name).

more soon.

Joe Camel Takes a Hoe?

Attention jockeys - camel, disc or other:

Jay-Z did not marry Beyonce over the weekend.

Thank You, Makers of Blood Diamond.

You have given birth to the following scenario in my mind (all based on a timely social ill, of course):

If people die mining and trafficking diamonds in Africa, what happens to people mining and trafficking fake diamonds? Do they stage their deaths? Do they hire actors to shoot blanks at them? Do they post Blair Witch-like snuff films on youtube?

Thank you, Leo & everyone involved in the making of Blood Diamond. You have entertained me and I will never, ever see your movie. Because, by supporting a movie that sensationalizes a social epidemic, am I not contributing to the epidemic? Or do I get a special (red) movie ticket that explains how all proceeds will go towards fighting the problem?


Breaking Bonaduce Tipping Point.

Don't know if this can qualify as having jumped the shark, as it kinda sucked from the start.

Irish-Italian with a drinking problem and a temper? NO WAY!

National Geographic’s In the Womb TV special.

If their intention was to make me wish I was back in the womb out of sheer boredom, congrats.

Wife as Ultimate GPS.

There I am feeling my wife's lady lump to enjoy my unborn's childs movements. I go here, there, trying to catch a kick or two. No luck. That's when the wife helps me. She's like, the baby's over here, in the Northwest quadrant of belly section 3B.

Amazing, really.

That reminds me, some dipshit congratulated me on 'the most common miracle around.'

I laughed, but afterwards felt like introducing this prick to another miracle:
Death by strangulation.


El Siempre en Dominguero Gets Some Love.

Caught some of the Raul Velasco special on Univision over the weekend.

Raul Velasco was the Don Francisco of the Hisano-universe before there was a Don Francisco worth noting. He hosted a variety show titled Siempre en Domingo (Always on Sunday).

Glad he finally got his due, and not posthumously.


The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006.

Once a year, I get to prove just how gay I may possibly be.

Instead of ogling the T&A walking the catwalk, I comment on how great the house music is.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Kudos to whomever they get to remix the shit out of standards.

It makes watching skinny women who speak no English walk around in underwear feel less perverted.


In related news, the producers have also included backstage snippets (or should I say nip-slippets) of the Amazons dancing around. Haha. You think white people can't dance, fuck. These largely Brazilian hangars make white people look like James Brown.


Mos Def vs Bono.

Mos Def is one of my favorite rapper/actors. He is very socially conscious, although what he’s done for charity escapes me. (I know he had a book store or some shit in the Black Star days.)

Bono is one of the most influential people on the planet, using his celebrity to further many causes. You can’t help but be aware of Bono’s deeds, from the (red) line of clothing that helps battle Aids in Africa to his many speaking engagements with politicos.

Mos Def’s latest album, True Magic, has a track on it entitled, “Dollar Days for New Orleans.” It’s the rapper’s take on the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina and the comedy of our government’s reaction.

It’s a great track and manages to repeat much of the expected angst in a fresh way. BUT. The Mos Def’er also takes a potshot at Bono, questioning why the U2 front man didn’t anything to help in the Katrina aftermath, etc.

It boils down to this: U2 is nothing without support from the U.S. So why does Bono spend time raising money for far-off countries when there was shit to deal with right here, in his adopted home?

The cynic in you may be thinking this is Mos Def’s way of upping sales. I doubt it, as Mos will never be cross-over material.

Either way, it made me think. And that’s a lot more than the latest Nas and Jay-Z record will ever do for me.


Friday, December 8, 2006

Recipe for Direct-to-DVD Blockbuster.

Wesley Snipes vs Steven Seagal vs Jean-Claude Van Damme vs Chuck Norris.

Plus some tits.

Mysteries of the Unknown: Johnny Mathis

What is this fucking guy?

Black? White? Indian? Count Chocula?

Why North Koreans Are Cooler Than Me.

Nothing at all to do with Kim Jong Il, but he is one cool motherfucker.

I'm watching this Diane Sawyer piece about North Korea. She goes here and there to show us how it REALLY is over there in the land of the rising nukes. (I refuse to rhyme nooks with anything, but that's some pretty funny shit if you see it through.)

The whole thing is very boring and expected. Yeah, yeah, they work hard, get paid shit, blah blah and they're really nice just out of touch because of their leader, blah blah, feel sorry for them, wow we have it made here, gag.

Diane manages to go into a classroom and talk to students. More blah blah until she asks them to sing this one song to make a point that, while Americans may be the enemy, our songs are embraced unwittingly.

Then it begins. Apparently they started singing some retard song from The Sound of Music. My wife sang along. I woke up and felt like the ultimate foreigner. I DID NOT KNOW THIS SONG FROM ADAM. Yet there they were, 35 North Korean kids, uncool as shit in their Moe cuts and overly starched uniforms, arguably living in the closest thing to darkness outside a fucking cave, and THEY knew this shit.

Lesson: Never underestimate your enemies.


Thursday, December 7, 2006

Fun Games to Play with Unborn Children.


Marco Polo.

Tickle Me Dad-O.

Jump Rope (Umbilical Cord version).

Bump-er Cars.

Kick (Mom) Ball.

more soon.

Why I Don't Update More Often.

This is what I do for the greater part of most days:

where gays and straights clash
like the civil war
only pink verses manly bluie
and they can fit in a small hole is bombed.
i want to bring slavery back
but only gay slaves
that is a great standup act waiting to happen
you could have them put your clothes out each day..
and the musicals!
bail the cotton and hear them sing showtunes
we could paint their faces pink
only use a designer whip
and have them organize my closet
the new undergroud railroad would work via closets
and dinky would switch teams back and forth in a frenzy of madness not knowing where he stands.
they would only eat seedless watermelon, served on the fine china
gawd, i am going to hell
nicole miller china from fishes eddie.
they would only revolt when their 'owners' showed zero fashion sense
Sadie is wearing white after labor day, DOWN WITH THE PLANTATION, MAMIE, DINKY GRAB THE GASOLINE
yes. they would be hard to control
would be awesome
with their sassy backtalk
slave owners would hire barbra streisand and cher to perform and keep them in line
only the best... and celine dion
i think gay people would accept slavery, as long as they knew the cotton they were picking was going to a hot label, to be worn by the fabulous and gorgeous people of the earth
you may be right
just think of how clean and sophisticated they could make our homes
and they could do the cooking
i tell ya, the whole south would lose a billion pounds
yes. they could have more attendees at nascar
every year, as a nice gay slave owner, i would let them have the gay games
I swear I gain weight as soon as I deplane in Ft. Worth.
wherein we recreate ancient greece
can we bring in a lion?
or tiger?
declawed of course. we don't want anyone to get hurt
1:50 PM
jack lalane could be our half-time entertainment
i just sent that whole convo to someone else, telling them we should win a PEabody award or some shit
yes. they will be highly entertained
he asked me if i was the proponent or the accomplice, which makes me wodner why the fuck i have this tool on my buddy list
tell him he is now blocked
he can go back to his meh little world
1:55 PM
it seems like a Family Guy script waiting to happen.
you would be a great writer for Family Guy
i wish
always wanted to write for snl/letterman, conan
but they no likey the spics
at least thats what my excuse-maker2000 told me to say

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Reasons Britney Spears Goes Commando.

-Stealing attention away from prick in her life.

-2 words: Lip-syncing.

-Filming video for new single, "I see Paris, I see France..."

-Mentally scarring paparrazi with C-section scar.

-Advertising the re-opening of lower-level parking.

-Following Church of the Flying Vagina Monster guidelines.

-Doing undercover story for ET on 'fat labia discrimination' in our society.

-Jamie Lynn Spears needs to breathe.

-Doesn't want to seem materialistic in the least.

-Wants Vagina Dialogue to be an open, public discussion.


Peace, Love the gap?

I want to like these ads, I really do.

But using a rapper named Common to sell clothes bugs the shit out of me.


I guess it's honest of the gap. Their tagline is all hippy, and Common has been wearing a hippy doo rag thing for years now. I won't go into his lyrics, as they may invoke vomiting, but trust me, they are about peace, love and peace and love.

And if the gap's clothes represent anything, it's a common mass appeal, able to be worn by anorexics and gastric bypass candidates in equal measure. How that sells is beyond me? Combination of easy-to-blend-in-wear at reasonable prices is my best guess.

Peace, love, the safe.

FYI: Common is the whitest black rapper in the game.

In related news, I'm sick of harder rappers selling out for radio play. Two very recent examples: "I wanna fuck you" by Akon turns into "I wanna love you", while "Love me or Hate me" by Lady Sov includes a "FUCK YOU" in the chorus, which becomes an "I HATE YOU" on the radio.

I realize it's a business, and these artists want to move as many records as possible -- even if it means sacrificing their original 'vision'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the definition of SELLING OUT?