Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Why Patrick Dempsey will forever suck.

-His hair.

-His name.

-His nose.

-His wife.

-His smile.

-His past screen credits.

-His current screen credits.

Other words rapper Fabolous misspells.







Cool shit to do with remote-controlled Lincoln Navigator that has working lights, spinning rims and working mp3 audio system.

-Unleash the remote-controlled asshole in you.

-Tell everyone you’re under-compensating.

-Claim to have been officially pimped by Xzibit, who is much smaller in person.

-Say you car-jacked a 12-year old in broad daylight.

-Explain to friends that your ride ain’t small, it’s just their asses are wide.

-Blast white man’s music to be ironic.

-Upload an mp3 of you asking for car directions.

-Boast about having the first electric SUV that isn’t gay.

-Bring car to Lincoln dealer and say, “What the fuck?! I drove through a car wash and look what happened! Hemi, my ass! I want my fucking money back!”

-Call AAA and tell them you’ve got a little flat.

Signs the guy next to me on the subway last night was fucked in the head.

-Voraciously reading yellowed sci-fi paperback titled, Blood and Honor by Simon R. Green.

-Wearing beige London Fog barncoat browning at cuffs with dirt.

-Long red and yellow knit scarf wrapped around his neck like Griffendor’s retard DMV instructor.

-Unwashed matted hair that made him look like The Biggest, Dirtiest Loser.

-A smell of equal parts moth balls, cat piss, the elderly, the homeless, death, schmegma, closetful of used tampons and tissue balls of year-old semen.

-Took the subway.

-Sported sensible frames from Pearle Vision’s Serial Killer Collection.

-Finished retard sci-fi book, and within minutes, began reading another titled, Another Moon by Patricia Briggs.

BONUS: Random half sentences that came to me as I watched this sap:

-Pages so yellow with defeat, with abuse, with the stink of mangy hands…

-Golden with earwax, wrinkles carbon-dating a long-lost snot held between chapter title and word one.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Chinese Democracy?

I heard the new, long-awaited Guns & Roses disc would be coming out soon.

Which pissed me off.

I thought it'd be funny as shit if it came out when China had indeed become a democracy.

Say 2023, at which point crazy-old-man Axl would be like, FUCK, and destroy the masters and start all over.


Failed Jay-Z and Beyonce Couple Names as Written by Dipshit Publicists.





George-Z Jefferson & Weavey.

Amos & Andy.

Kingdom Dumb.

The Black (Insert Better White Celeb Couple Mashup Name).

more soon.

Joe Camel Takes a Hoe?

Attention jockeys - camel, disc or other:

Jay-Z did not marry Beyonce over the weekend.