Have a tip, spare a tip?

A tip jar certainly has its place -- the local carwash, grocery bagger boy area, etc. Employees at such establisments provide service and earn very little in wages. Giving them a tip feels appropriate, especially if they really do go the extra mile.

All other business, however, should think twice before hitting up customers for gratuity. It's tacky and inevitably alienates the people that keep them profitable. A customer is there for what thay need, not what management or employees need. Should the markup on products and services not cover rent, wages, etc., tough shit. Raise prices. Cut back somewhere else. Just don't pass your burden onto me.

Put out a tip jar and you may as well hang a sign outside your door that reads, "WE UNDERPAY EMPLOYEES." Making matters worse, oftentimes tip jars give employees bizarre notions. They begin to feel as though there is a choice in serving customers. Fill the jar and expect normal service, maybe with a smile. Refuse, and you're in for it. You'll get sass, attitude and the warm welcome generally reserved for Nazis, pedophiles and OJ Simpson.

Starbucks, of all places, allows their 'baristas' to put out a tip jar. Listen java boy or girl, if I have to call you a 'barista' and order a fucking medium in a romance language, then you don't need a tip. What you need is unionization.

Starbucks has taken a mediocre cup of joe, pulled the wool over caffeinated eyes, and built an empire. Kudos, but enough's enough.

Where is all the money going? Hey management, nix the free internet and give the art student/glorified server a goddamn raise. Because I'm not paying for their next lip piercing. That's your job.

These 'baristas' don't even fix you your cup of coffee. We have to do that ourselves and you don't see us walking around with a tip jar. Maybe we should take half of whatever's in their tip jar and call it even.

Keep in mind, Starbucks coffee is not even that good. I go to the local diner or greasy spoon and the waiter or waitress (how refreshing) fixes it for me. I even get free refills. Guess what? I leave a great tip.

Starbucks people, let me introduce you to the McDonalds people. Maybe you've heard of them. Arguably, the most well-known american service industry business. The prices at McDonalds are competitive. Forget the quality of the food (remember, Starbucks is nothing special either) for a second. You never see a tip jar at any of their franchises. And I'm pretty sure Mickey D's pays its employees as little as legally possible. Still, no tip jar.

McDonalds employees are required to wear laughable uniforms, while 'baristas' get to wear a baseball cap and an otherwise inoffensive getup. Still, no tip jar. Quite the opposite actually. At counters throughout most McDonalds, you'll find installations for collecting donations to Ronald McDonald House, a charity for children. Guess what? No one pressures me, and I drop a buck or two into the thing.

Don't get me wrong. McDonalds does hundreds of things wrong, but its charity over tip jar policy is commendable. Next time Starbucks is spending thousands to print up cups with 'How I see it' essays by celebrities and artists, it should keep in mind How I see it. And How its employees see it. The view is not very flattering.

DIMELO!

P.S. McDonalds plans to revamp all of its franchises worldwide by 2008 or so. The designers have opted for a Starbucks-like lounge deco. Translation: We are an experience. Stay longer and pay more, while our employees earn less. I suggest you start saving in order to tip well.

Almost forgot. What the fuck is Cold Stone Creamery smoking? At this joint, the ice cream servers are elevated to hibachi chef status. They use palettes to slap your scoops of ice cream and toppings together. WOW! Amazing, right? It's so unbelievable that Cold Stone's Creamers believe they are entitled to a tip as well. Unlike the 'barista' divas of Starbucks, these kids will literally sing for your tip. Still doesn't justify their tip jar, but it's a step in the right direction.